Why Do People Cheat?
I was asked: "Do men look for other partners when their wife reached menopause".
I have to ponder over it. Is this a sex question? A marriage question? A question of commitment or morals? Or simply just a trick question? I think more appropriately the question relates to "why do men stray?" Is it out of ignorance? Sometimes out of a question, bigger questions are begging. I also should not generalise and be more correct by saying "why do people cheat?" so that there is no gender-biased. Some people don't even have to wait till menopause. Such questions may be prompted when we see the things around us.
Haven't you heard that "Women are from Venus and Men from Mars"? Men are physical while women are emotional. When men were boys they were mostly shy in fact they seem more inhibited than girls. So what became of them when they grew up? Most people know what they can or cannot do and because we have a built-in conscience, we too know what is right or wrong but the question is do we know why and what we choose to do? Men are emotional people too but because they are macho, they are less likely to be able to express their feelings. Some say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. I think you need to aim a little lower (no pun intended). This is related to a previous topic (see link).
Why People Cheat?
Tiger Woods has it all - money, fame, talent and a nice family. With so much to lose, he cheated. Why do people stray and could this happen to you? Some people crave variety and for men it is a simple act while a woman has to carry a pregnancy for nine months. Men has less to lose so they cheat more? People are more promiscuous these days and have less values? They say that with each generation, you lose some. Some men may think that their wives are not what they used to be and vice versa even though both husband or the wife themselves can be a complete slob yet demanding perfection from the other.
No one is spared as you read the papers, politicians, celebrities, colleagues, friends - you'll find someone who cheats. Why? Boredom of life? Some may argue that a nagging wife will drive their man into the arms of another woman. Some folks find it easier to get around a problem than to go on to resolve it. Others find the thrills of chasing women or women feels flattered by the attention of men. Vanity? Some men or women got married too young and may lack experience in such relationship dynamics. Those who are monogamous have long realised that love and friendship are more important and there is more to life than just getting laid.
There is actually a high percentage of men out there who are monogamous. The decision whether you will cheat lies entirely in your own hands. Human hearts are "ever-lusting". The difference lies in those who lust but never acted on it and those who do. Probably some guys have a false belief that love and sex are two different things. They can have it on the side and still think they can love their wife.
Most men may need more sex than women and without deeper understanding, self-gratification becomes a priority. You don't go around driving other people's cars or living in other people's home because these are not your properties and you have your own properties, so a husband and wife are each other's properties. You should put an unleashed guard dog on it in case of intrusion. In some countries, you can shoot trespassers.
No one is spared as you read the papers, politicians, celebrities, colleagues, friends - you'll find someone who cheats. Why? Boredom of life? Some may argue that a nagging wife will drive their man into the arms of another woman. Some folks find it easier to get around a problem than to go on to resolve it. Others find the thrills of chasing women or women feels flattered by the attention of men. Vanity? Some men or women got married too young and may lack experience in such relationship dynamics. Those who are monogamous have long realised that love and friendship are more important and there is more to life than just getting laid.
There is actually a high percentage of men out there who are monogamous. The decision whether you will cheat lies entirely in your own hands. Human hearts are "ever-lusting". The difference lies in those who lust but never acted on it and those who do. Probably some guys have a false belief that love and sex are two different things. They can have it on the side and still think they can love their wife.
Most men may need more sex than women and without deeper understanding, self-gratification becomes a priority. You don't go around driving other people's cars or living in other people's home because these are not your properties and you have your own properties, so a husband and wife are each other's properties. You should put an unleashed guard dog on it in case of intrusion. In some countries, you can shoot trespassers.
Whether you are a man or woman and even if you are the worst spouse in this world, your partner can really find other ways to deal with their unhappiness. Cheating is not just sex, it is a breach of contract and in any relationship, it is betrayal - flirting and sexy communications are included.
Some guys look like the ever dependable type, some even meek and quiet but they cheated while others who may look savvy may not. It is a clear as day that the one who cheats is fully responsible for his or her action and no excuses whatsoever can justify it. I make reference to a previous article about this inspirational movie and all men and women married or not, young and old should watch it. I have a copy in circulation now.
Some guys look like the ever dependable type, some even meek and quiet but they cheated while others who may look savvy may not. It is a clear as day that the one who cheats is fully responsible for his or her action and no excuses whatsoever can justify it. I make reference to a previous article about this inspirational movie and all men and women married or not, young and old should watch it. I have a copy in circulation now.
Physical or Emotion?
Was it the sex or emotional disconnection? Perhaps one spouse felt under-appreciated or feels a lack of thoughtfulness? Some guys may look and act cool but deep inside they could be in turmoil and an emotional wreck. They can't be seen as vulnerable which society has taught. Then there are bills to pay, children, household chores and people can just drift apart. The other men or women outside the marriage don't have that proximity or the burdens and seems to lift and build you up, understand and appreciate you more.
This is real - when the wife saw the woman her husband cheated with or the husband saw the other guy or when friends met them, many are surprised that the other person is not even more or as attractive and possibly even in worse shape. Sometimes, people didn't go out to have an affair. It just sort of happened they would say. They just lose the plot and they got lost and they can be you and I. Contrary to popular belief, despite the macho outlook, a lot of men actually needs a lot of assurance.
This is real - when the wife saw the woman her husband cheated with or the husband saw the other guy or when friends met them, many are surprised that the other person is not even more or as attractive and possibly even in worse shape. Sometimes, people didn't go out to have an affair. It just sort of happened they would say. They just lose the plot and they got lost and they can be you and I. Contrary to popular belief, despite the macho outlook, a lot of men actually needs a lot of assurance.
Changing Landscape
In the old days, mostly the men came out to work while the woman tend to the flock at home. The women those days not only took care of things at home but cooks and serve their husbands. I am not talking about submissiveness. It is a kind of balance. In today's world, women can hold their own and even do better against men. They are a lot more independent and much more assertive. They meet lots of guys at work too. You have more stress in the rat race. It isn't just jerks who cheat. Many who cheated never dreamed that they would.
Who you hang around with and their views and influence can affect you. Assuming you have a group of friends who stray then cheating may seem very normal. You may see someone who is such a wonderful and responsible person but he strays and you thought - it happens to the best. You can't avoid men or women, they are everywhere. One can even start an affair at a super market but common sense tells us we should flee from the devil and avoid temptation. Lunch at restaurants or attend sports event rather than frequenting sleazy late night bars and build your social circles around those who share good values or happily married couples and families gatherings.
Sounds boring right but it could save your life one day. Food that do not tatse too great are healthy while those sinfully delicious can be deadly. Rarely does a man or woman cheat because the other person look better. Don't believe me? Of course those who will stray will and those who will not may not even do so when he goes to a bar. Look at Tiger Woods and Jack Neo. There are more serious underlying problems. Is it worth it? Think of the worst case situation before you even embark. You will lose more than your pants. I have previously make a proposal to award good spouses:
Who you hang around with and their views and influence can affect you. Assuming you have a group of friends who stray then cheating may seem very normal. You may see someone who is such a wonderful and responsible person but he strays and you thought - it happens to the best. You can't avoid men or women, they are everywhere. One can even start an affair at a super market but common sense tells us we should flee from the devil and avoid temptation. Lunch at restaurants or attend sports event rather than frequenting sleazy late night bars and build your social circles around those who share good values or happily married couples and families gatherings.
Sounds boring right but it could save your life one day. Food that do not tatse too great are healthy while those sinfully delicious can be deadly. Rarely does a man or woman cheat because the other person look better. Don't believe me? Of course those who will stray will and those who will not may not even do so when he goes to a bar. Look at Tiger Woods and Jack Neo. There are more serious underlying problems. Is it worth it? Think of the worst case situation before you even embark. You will lose more than your pants. I have previously make a proposal to award good spouses:
Design
Man and woman were created and designed differently to serve a purpose. Ditto for the animal kingdom, insect world or fish in the ocean and other amphibians. Two different and distinct sexes look, sound and even the body shape is different or in the way they walk so that both sexes at first instinct can be attracted to each other. This is so that humans are given a free choice to find a partner, a mate. In essence, a couple can get married and it is by design that in such a union where "'two shall become one" sex became a way of procreation as a means of reproduction so that such a commitment can bring forth offspring of their own.
Before all of these could happen, you have to make a declaration and proclamation and witnessed by our current day Justice of Peace. This is not just symbolic but you have to make a vow. If your word is your bond then a vow is not something that should be uttered lightly as a vow is something that is sacred, a vow should not be broken, it is a bond, a solemn promise that only "till death do us part". It is something that is irrevocable. Like it or not, because it is a vow, it has a religious tone. You are not just making a promise to your spouse but you are making a pledge to his or her family as well and also to all your friends. Most importantly, you have made a vow to God. Nobody points a gun at you to do it. So you must have very good and strong reasons to do so.
Before all of these could happen, you have to make a declaration and proclamation and witnessed by our current day Justice of Peace. This is not just symbolic but you have to make a vow. If your word is your bond then a vow is not something that should be uttered lightly as a vow is something that is sacred, a vow should not be broken, it is a bond, a solemn promise that only "till death do us part". It is something that is irrevocable. Like it or not, because it is a vow, it has a religious tone. You are not just making a promise to your spouse but you are making a pledge to his or her family as well and also to all your friends. Most importantly, you have made a vow to God. Nobody points a gun at you to do it. So you must have very good and strong reasons to do so.
Instruction Manual
Every product that has been created and designed comes with an instruction manual. However, after a few generations, like most used cars, we don't even know that instruction manuals existed. If I told you that I can find you one, would you want it and after having a manual would you listen and follow? The manual says you can only use original parts for your car or original software for your computer but you contaminate your car and computer with cheap parts and pirated software because you are curious and like to play around.
Your car will someday encounter troubles and your computer will get corrupted and crash but these are only things. Even when nobody knew what you did to your computer, you knew you were cheating. Similarly, Life's Manual says sex is "only for and between a married couple". Anything else will break the bond, viewed as betrayal and loathed by society. More importantly, the consequences that will follow will have a profound effect on your life and the lives of many others who are completely innocent. Even the food court operator says it albeit in not so proper English: "No outside food allowed!"
When a friend betrays you it cost immense hurt. The closer and better the friend, the greater the pain. What more a spouse? There are people who cheat but do not consider that they are cheating until they got caught. Although there are similarities to animals, etc. the human being is a superior being especially in terms of intelligence and conscience. This is so that we can activate self control, moral and good sense. You soon realise you can't just pee in the drain anywhere. Where does our moral sense of right and wrong came from? When you read of Hitler killing six million Jews or someone who sacrifice his or her life for someone, innocent and defenceless children who got molested by grown men, an old man marrying a 12-year old girl - did your heart stirred? We instinctively know it is wrong to lie and cheat too.
Your car will someday encounter troubles and your computer will get corrupted and crash but these are only things. Even when nobody knew what you did to your computer, you knew you were cheating. Similarly, Life's Manual says sex is "only for and between a married couple". Anything else will break the bond, viewed as betrayal and loathed by society. More importantly, the consequences that will follow will have a profound effect on your life and the lives of many others who are completely innocent. Even the food court operator says it albeit in not so proper English: "No outside food allowed!"
When a friend betrays you it cost immense hurt. The closer and better the friend, the greater the pain. What more a spouse? There are people who cheat but do not consider that they are cheating until they got caught. Although there are similarities to animals, etc. the human being is a superior being especially in terms of intelligence and conscience. This is so that we can activate self control, moral and good sense. You soon realise you can't just pee in the drain anywhere. Where does our moral sense of right and wrong came from? When you read of Hitler killing six million Jews or someone who sacrifice his or her life for someone, innocent and defenceless children who got molested by grown men, an old man marrying a 12-year old girl - did your heart stirred? We instinctively know it is wrong to lie and cheat too.
Communication
Communications in any part of life is always crucial. Some men may use sex as an escape route. Others may crave intimacy and when starved became sex addicts or addicted to pornography. This may be for them to fill a void but it will soon be empty. It is like chasing the wind, it will be futile. Women connects better with friends and children while for some men who need to feel macho, sex may be their only way of emotional closeness. Women can talk about all things all day but some men just simply can't confide their fears or share their problems for fear of being seen as weak.
I may be wrong but I see lots of men out there having fewer friends by middle age maybe becoming social recluse. Robinson Crusoe was forced because of a shipwreck. Don't get yourself into a shipwreck. Many men do not know how to cry. What a shame that crying is seen as a weakness. When a man could cry that is a strength. While women have menopause, males have male menopause. It is andropause. The only thing that doesn't "pause" at this time are the bills as they keep piling, sometimes even more than ever before.
In our society, we also do not have enough or more physical contacts like a hug, a touch, being held, things which need not lead to anything sexual. Intimacy is important for all healthy relationship. One common problem seems to be he needs more and she needs less. This discrepancy is like when you are driving a car and you get on a road hump and speed reducing strips. Not just the sex life but what about the endless commitments of career demands, family issues, children, in-laws, out-laws and in modern lifestyle today the woman is not spared either.
I may be wrong but I see lots of men out there having fewer friends by middle age maybe becoming social recluse. Robinson Crusoe was forced because of a shipwreck. Don't get yourself into a shipwreck. Many men do not know how to cry. What a shame that crying is seen as a weakness. When a man could cry that is a strength. While women have menopause, males have male menopause. It is andropause. The only thing that doesn't "pause" at this time are the bills as they keep piling, sometimes even more than ever before.
In our society, we also do not have enough or more physical contacts like a hug, a touch, being held, things which need not lead to anything sexual. Intimacy is important for all healthy relationship. One common problem seems to be he needs more and she needs less. This discrepancy is like when you are driving a car and you get on a road hump and speed reducing strips. Not just the sex life but what about the endless commitments of career demands, family issues, children, in-laws, out-laws and in modern lifestyle today the woman is not spared either.
Respect
Chelsea and England soccer star Ashley Cole's wife - Cheryl Cole is rich, famous and a multi-millionaire. The singer and X-factor judge was voted the world's sexiest woman for two years running. Ashley cheated on her and got found out at least twice or more and now he has been dumped. Why? When former US President Bill Clinton was asked why he cheated, he answered that it was because he could. Humans are designed to be attracted to the opposite sex.
The "Lethal Weapon" or roller-coaster rides are also attractions but it does not mean you have to ride on them. Men must learn to be attracted to pretty girls or beautiful women like they are attracted to other art forms not as sex objects. It is all in the mind. First - learn respect. The same principles apply to women on men. If other guys are ogling or hitting at your mother, wife, daughter or girlfriend you will feel offended and think that they are beasts. Conversely, when you do the same to another woman, she is surely someone's mother, wife, daughter or girlfriend. Wouldn't we be calling ourselves beasts too?
The "Lethal Weapon" or roller-coaster rides are also attractions but it does not mean you have to ride on them. Men must learn to be attracted to pretty girls or beautiful women like they are attracted to other art forms not as sex objects. It is all in the mind. First - learn respect. The same principles apply to women on men. If other guys are ogling or hitting at your mother, wife, daughter or girlfriend you will feel offended and think that they are beasts. Conversely, when you do the same to another woman, she is surely someone's mother, wife, daughter or girlfriend. Wouldn't we be calling ourselves beasts too?
Respect other people's family. If the person you found and like or love is married and has his or her family. It is hands off. If you don't you are destroying their family and also yourself. So long as one party is already married. Nothing good will come out of it. If he or she can get married and fall for you then you have to ask yourself will he or she do the same thing to you at the next opportunity. Respect that too. Respect all people. Treat this as sacred.
Self-Centredness
We have to recognise that the human heart has great capacity for love or for hatred. It is self-centred, self-gratifying, self-serving and full of pride and ego. No one is an exception. When people talk of love, what do they mean? Isn't love about sacrifice? Haven't you also heard that when you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go. Often enough, you see or read of people who always seem to prefer destruction - what I can't get I destroy.
We have to learn from young that what isn't ours we should not touch. It doesn't belong. When I was young, a friend got beaten up. The boys were all running after kites that lost the battle and were free-falling from the sky. He was good and always got the kites first. After 3 times, a group of gangsters tore up every kite he won snatching. When he grabbed one first they would use a stick to destroy it. He got angry and they got into a fight. Amazingly, he beaten up the 3 of them. Later, a group of 8-10 people came with pole and thrashed him to pulp. Luckily he escaped serious injuries.
We have to learn from young that what isn't ours we should not touch. It doesn't belong. When I was young, a friend got beaten up. The boys were all running after kites that lost the battle and were free-falling from the sky. He was good and always got the kites first. After 3 times, a group of gangsters tore up every kite he won snatching. When he grabbed one first they would use a stick to destroy it. He got angry and they got into a fight. Amazingly, he beaten up the 3 of them. Later, a group of 8-10 people came with pole and thrashed him to pulp. Luckily he escaped serious injuries.
The Frog In The Pot
We may not be aware but we are all like a frog in the pot. There are certain things in life that cannot be compromised like principles and morals so that the world may change but your values do not. Never. There is a tendency to conform to a larger group or larger beliefs and practice. You will get desensitised over time when there are vulgarities around you and it may even seem cool.
At first you may feel awkward, then you feel comfortable and soon you become part of a doctrine and habit. When you put a frog in a pot of water with room temperature, it will feel comfortable. Turn up the temperature a bit and the frog will adjust to the slightly warmer temperature, Bit by bit you turn up the heat and soon the frog will be boiled. Comfortably dead. It doesn't even know it. That is how we can become who we are.
At first you may feel awkward, then you feel comfortable and soon you become part of a doctrine and habit. When you put a frog in a pot of water with room temperature, it will feel comfortable. Turn up the temperature a bit and the frog will adjust to the slightly warmer temperature, Bit by bit you turn up the heat and soon the frog will be boiled. Comfortably dead. It doesn't even know it. That is how we can become who we are.
The Scorpion And The Frog
One day a scorpion wanted to get across a river but it could not swim. So it approached a frog requesting that the frog bring it over to the other side. The frog was hesitant and apprehensive since the scorpion has a mighty and wicked sting but the scorpion persuaded the frog with its reasoning that it would not sting the frog because if it did, it will also drown.
With this assurance and logically reasoning, the frog agreed. More than half-way across the river the frog with the scorpion on its back was almost on the other side when the scorpion raised its tail and let go a mighty sting on the frog. Due to the venom, the frog was sinking and dying and with its last breadth the frog asked the scorpion why it stung. The scorpion clutching desperately to the sinking frog's back said: "I can't help it. It is in my nature."
With this assurance and logically reasoning, the frog agreed. More than half-way across the river the frog with the scorpion on its back was almost on the other side when the scorpion raised its tail and let go a mighty sting on the frog. Due to the venom, the frog was sinking and dying and with its last breadth the frog asked the scorpion why it stung. The scorpion clutching desperately to the sinking frog's back said: "I can't help it. It is in my nature."
Drugs
Cough syrup are meant to be a relief for cough but when used wrongly becomes a drug that can get people high and addicted. So too other drugs which leads to substance abuse. With the advent of Viagra, Cialis and Levitra to help people cope with ED, the invention was a noble one. It is suppose to help couples especially the older ones or those who suffers from ED to regain a normal life and have intimacy but look what these drugs have caused.
Some men are making use of these to extend their intimacy outside of their marriage as they suddenly found youthful vitality. There is a major discrepancy as a result due to distorted demand and supply situation. It is like saying that money is the root of all evil when actually it is the love of money that is the root of all evil. Similarly, sex, desires and relationships in themselves are not evil. The humans heart always want to have something more, to covet or even when they have to cheat and steal. It has to do with what you see as right or wrong. Thread delicately.
Some men are making use of these to extend their intimacy outside of their marriage as they suddenly found youthful vitality. There is a major discrepancy as a result due to distorted demand and supply situation. It is like saying that money is the root of all evil when actually it is the love of money that is the root of all evil. Similarly, sex, desires and relationships in themselves are not evil. The humans heart always want to have something more, to covet or even when they have to cheat and steal. It has to do with what you see as right or wrong. Thread delicately.
Conclusion
When something like that happens, there is a lot of pain and anguish. Suffer the children. I think society and every individual owe it to ourselves to protect ourselves from such pain. Nobody deserves that. To be aware is therefore, very important. Aware the human nature, the human weaknesses that we are all fallible. Do not seek to search for your needs as our own needs can be wanton and I am not talking about noodles and our needs are endless, that is when you look at everything through yourself. It is better to go about serving other people who has real needs and not the superficial ones.
Like Avatar (this is not a new Viagra or Levitra) the Navi has a deep connection to their habitat and being. We are "human beings" not human doings. So get yourself a deep connection with your spouse and family today and decide never to cheat then fend off every temptation. You are the hero and heroine of the family. You have the power. Peter Parker the Spiderman was told by his uncle: "With greater power comes greater responsibilities". Be like Spiderman not 失 败 的 man.
Like Avatar (this is not a new Viagra or Levitra) the Navi has a deep connection to their habitat and being. We are "human beings" not human doings. So get yourself a deep connection with your spouse and family today and decide never to cheat then fend off every temptation. You are the hero and heroine of the family. You have the power. Peter Parker the Spiderman was told by his uncle: "With greater power comes greater responsibilities". Be like Spiderman not 失 败 的 man.
Take up a hobby and do it passionately as it will fill your soul and your mind. When you face such temptation, get us on a golf course but please don't cheat in golf too. Awareness help us to create prevention and prevention is better than cure. The problem with the human race is that we have to suffer pain to learn. One lifetime is too short to make all the mistakes ourselves. Finally, diseases spread because of mankind's unfaithfulness. You do not need to fear the death penalty if you don't do drugs. Finally, remember the vow. The ring is a symbol of an endless circle where two shall become one.
Stress
Stress is a killer. The whole world knows that diseases and sicknesses are linked to stress. Stress caused chemical changes in our bodies and disrupt functions making us vulnerable to health problems which can be life-threatening. Our immune system can be weakened and once health eroded, ailments befall us. Excessive stress can caused various troubles like heart diseases, cancer, high cholesterol levels, stroke, hypertension and even impotence and infertility.
Modern life is even more stressful because we wanted more things and wanted them fast. How does wanting my iphone or computer faster and earlier be related? Because we wanted newer models, faster speed, latest designs, newer applications and more of each, we have to firstly work harder and longer hours to earn more so we can spend more. Because we wanted more and faster, the whole "chain-gang" has to be involved. Phone companies, suppliers, logistics provider, truckers, labourers, factories, service staff all have to work harder, faster and longer hours to deliver. Inevitably, all of us belong to one category in this chain of madness. Slow down my friends. Our bodies were not built to take such abuse. When we slow down our demands, we slow down the whole chain of furious activities.
Modern life is even more stressful because we wanted more things and wanted them fast. How does wanting my iphone or computer faster and earlier be related? Because we wanted newer models, faster speed, latest designs, newer applications and more of each, we have to firstly work harder and longer hours to earn more so we can spend more. Because we wanted more and faster, the whole "chain-gang" has to be involved. Phone companies, suppliers, logistics provider, truckers, labourers, factories, service staff all have to work harder, faster and longer hours to deliver. Inevitably, all of us belong to one category in this chain of madness. Slow down my friends. Our bodies were not built to take such abuse. When we slow down our demands, we slow down the whole chain of furious activities.
Fear
Fear is a key root of stress. Our fear of losing (kiasu) and fear of dying (kiasi) are good examples. Fear is manifested when people suffer from perpetual anxiety and panic attacks or nervous breakdown. Insomnia, unrest, disturbed feeling and no peace of mind.
Stress and fear induce tension. Anything that has too much tension will break or burst.
Take care, Good luck and God bless you!
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