In A Nutshell

It gets cold when it is raining cats and dogs these days some of the time. In the very old days, the English countryside have people living in farms where houses have thatched roofs piled with straws but no wooden support underneath it and small animals like rats, cats and dogs would live there to keep warm and during torrential downpour, it can get slippery and you will find animals falling down from the roofs hence raining cats and dogs. It's raining cats and dogs on Tiger Woods of late, even woolly mammoths judging by the revelations. Poor Tiger.

Tiger

Tiger crashed his SUV and lo and behold all kinds of rumours abound. The price of fame. I do not mind coming back from the Land of Oz with a cool US$3 million in the pocket to get my SUV dented a bit though. Ah, the paparazzi spin mill profiting at the expense of others again. Here's a guy who could drive (with his golf clubs) and how many of you out there could not drive straight with a golf club in your hands but had never hit a fire hydrant with your car? It is funny that they are saying that Tiger has his right to privacy and yet as a sporting icon he has to come out to say something like what was he doing driving out at that hour or why his wife has to smash the rear windscreen. C'mon, those are the wrong questions. He was just trying to go to the driving range to work on his swing or going for supper.

There was this guy who was having a fling with his secretary and on his way home in the evening, he took his golf shoes and rubbed some grass and sand on it. When inside the house, he tip-toed quietly holding his golf shoes in his hand. His wife caught him and asked him to explain what he had been doing all afternoon. He explained to the wife that he was having a tryst with the secretary and when the wife caught him holding his golf shoes behind his back. She walked over, saw the golf shoes and said: "You liar! You have been golfing again?" If you are under 18 and reading this, please quit immediately. For those of you who are 78 and under, please note that this is only a joke and do not attempt to copy it. Hell knows no fury like a woman scorned. If you are a golfer, your wife will chase you with a golf club. What if you were a lumberjack? Chainsaw?

I don't think Tiger owed anyone any explanation about his private life even given the status of the sporting icon he is. I'm actually more concern when he shouts unprintable profanities or throws his golf clubs in a fit of rage and is captured "live" on TV. Imagine his wayward Nike driver hitting and hurting someone in the crowd in Australia after bouncing off the ground. I'm sure he is learning. When you talk to the older folks, they always like Jack Nicklaus and Arnold Palmer. Tiger needs to tame his temper and learn to enjoy the game more. I think he gives himself too much pleasure, er I mean pressure and needs some free relief.

He needs to understand it is OK to lose some times even as he tries to pursue Jack Nicklaus' and other records and he must surely learn to enjoy his game again. I have CSI antennae to read people and situation or tracing things backwards, you know also a bit like that of "The Mentalist" and Tiger seems troubled as can be seen from his game. He is alone up there with tremendous pressure and after all when he puts down his golf clubs, he is only human like you and me. It's the press and people making him out to be God - a golf God but he is no God, just very human.

From reports gathered, there are now three, yes, three ladies rumoured to be involved - Kalika Moquin, a beautiful executive, Rachel Uchitel (heard it's pronounced Would U Tell?), a siren of a club hostess who is usually popping out of her blouse (she lost her finacee in the 911 attack when he was working in Tower 2 and she has now hired celebrity lawyer Gloria Allred) and a pretty waitress Jaimee Grubbs. Oh dear, that's a triple bogey! I hope it stops here and not lead to a double par. I'm not famous or rich and yet I have ladies making passes at me so it is a lot more dangerous for people like Tiger or David Beckham. Dalliances can be deadly.

When somebody hits a good shot, their buddies would say "Wow! You hit it like Tiger!" Wonder when they say the same thing now, do you still feel it's a compliment or will they say this only when your shot hits a tree or a hydrant? I saw a picture of the damage to the SUV crashed on the tree. It was really quite bad from a short distance in a low speed area. He may have stormed off in a rage. For me to get to the car, I have to wait for the lift or climb the stairs and by the time I got there I would have forgotten why I was there.

Those of you who lived in landed properties, do exercise restraint. Also be careful of the neighbour's tree. Tiger got fined $164 and was docked four points. Here, it will cost you a lot more plus repair costs for the tree and hydrant. This could have helped pay for a new set of driver, irons and putter. Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik is apparently upset as Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren was Jesper's employed nanny when he introduced her to Woods. Hope all turns out well for the Woods family as there are two children involved and the wife. Grubbs said their affair was 31 months and that means it could have started at the time Mrs. Woods was pregnant.

Well, a moment of weakness? Possible. That doesn't give you an excuse to start behaving like Gremlins on the loose. I hope everything is eventually well settled because we need Tiger back on the golf course. Fortunately, Christmas is close and all may be forgiven. Jesper said Tiger may have taken his Nike credo too far and next time maybe not Just Do It! The last time I told you of how Jack Nicholson used a seldom used two-iron to smash some one's car now do you know what Elin Nordegren used to smash Tiger's SUV? It was a wedge and you could tell she could swing by looking at the damage.

I know Tiger carries two wedges a 56 degrees and a 60 degrees. Jesper said she should have used a driver instead. Well, at least in America they are more civilised. In other country, they use C4 to destroy evidence. If you too are hooked up with some hostess, executive or waitress, it is a wake up call before the past catches up with you. Even if people don't kiss and tell, you may talk in your sleep. But people will talk, believe you me - "I tell you this but don't tell anyone" and soon the world will know.

There is no secret in this world! Trust me. That is why I have chosen to tell you everything all the time. Golf is only 18 holes, do not go beyond. There's no 19th. Maybe I should design a driver and call it Transgression, an Uchitel fairway wood, Grubbs irons and an Elin wedge and throw in a Kalika hybrid. Any venture capitalist here? Get me a good lawyer in advance.

EPL

I suppose I will stop giving weekly predictions on scorelines because sometimes I can get too uncanny for my own good. I do not wish to be a contributor to punting which may lead to loan sharking activities which have been on the rise and the best way to curtail it is to nip the problem in the bud that is to target the source of the problem which are the borrowers but banks would rather lose a few millions to a con job than to deal with the small timers. I have never understood it. We should start a Grameen Bank like in Bangladesh. Grameen Bank (GB) has reversed conventional banking practice by removing the need for collateral and created a banking system based on mutual trust, accountability, participation and creativity.

GB provides credit to the poorest of the poor in rural Bangladesh, without any collateral. At GB, credit is a cost effective weapon to fight poverty and it serves as a catalyst in the over all development of socio-economic conditions of the poor who have been kept outside the banking orbit on the ground that they are poor and hence not bankable. Professor Muhammad Yunus, the founder of "Grameen Bank" and its Managing Director, reasoned that if financial resources can be made available to the poor people on terms and conditions that are appropriate and reasonable, "these millions of small people with their millions of small pursuits can add up to create the biggest development wonder."

As of October, 2009, it has 7.94 million borrowers, 97 percent of whom are women. With 2,560 branches, GB provides services in 84,787 villages, covering more than 100 percent of the total villages in Bangladesh. Grameen Bank's positive impact on its poor and formerly poor borrowers has been documented in many independent studies carried out by external agencies including the World Bank, the International Food Research Policy Institute (IFPRI) and the Bangladesh Institute of Development Studies (BIDS). Maybe it won't work here, I don't know nuts about all these financial stuffs but we must be doing more for those people who genuinely are in trouble sometimes, through no fault of theirs. 

For example, a guy may have lost his job and has an aged parent in hospital and so on. Who does he turn to? Family, siblings, relatives, friends? How long can he do this? It's a demand and supply situation. Pirated Blu-ray discs, DVDs, CDs, PS3 and Xbox games thrive because the originals were too exhorbitantly expensive. I pay for originals and that left me panting. I support the artistes and the game designers but who supports me? Am I my own fool? In the meantime, what do we do with the loan sharks? Fin them for soup?

Back to EPL perspective, I think the title is Chelsea's to lose. They have already beaten all the top teams and you saw how they disposed of a very talented Arsenal team with their muscle and might. I thought Didier Drogba was special when I first saw him in action for Olympique Marseille in the French Ligue and UEFA. He's now at the peak of his power and a constant menace and nightmare for defenders. Where others dribbled around, Drogba simply crash through. You'll be sent tumbling if you stood in his way or even in a 50-50 challenge. Ask Philip Senderos how he has been tortured over the years. He has subtlety too as evident in the 3rd goal from the free kick.

Golf World Cup

Golf is a sport that Singapore can excel in, compete in world events and win some if not now then in the near future. Our youngsters are starting younger and making solid progress. Just like squash in those days where we have Zainal Abideen, V. Gopal, Jeremy Yeo, Peter Hill, Stewart Ballard and the rest who made Singapore proud and got people interested in the sport and squash courts were opening up everywhere at Kallang, Kampung Java, the Civil Service Club and so on. We were Champions in S.E.A. Whatever happened to our squash? Italy surprising won the Omega Mission Hill World Cup event from the Molinari brothers with a minus 29 while Sweden and Ireland tie for 2nd (T2) at minus 28. England came in 4th with -26, Japan was -22 at 5th position, Australia at -21 was 6th while South Africa at -20 was T7 together with USA, Germany, Korea and Wales.

Singapore fronted by Mardan Mamat and Lam Chih Bing came in at -15 which was T16 position with Thailand and the Philippines. This was better than Argentina's 19 position and China's 22nd position which was tied with Pakistan (T22) yes Pakistan would you believe it!

I didn't know Pakistan plays golf but they gave the world the most awesome squash players like Qamar Zaman, Jahangir Khan and Jansher Khan. The only other guy who could challenge them back then was Australian Geoff Hunt. You are not going to believe this - Brazil came in at 26th, Spain fared worst at 27th and Scotland the birthplace of golf was at 28th. I am doing my part to inspire Singapore golf. One day, you may read about me crashing my SUV into a fire hydrant but first I need to earn enough to get a SUV.

Talking about fire hydrants, I remembered that since young I have observed that dogs like peeing at fire hydrants but could not put a finger as to why it is so. If you know the truth please share with me. These days, there are not many stray dogs around and the SCDF may have modern ways of hiding them hydrants too as you don't see them around newer estates. More on stray dogs, some friends attended the Stray Dogs concert @ the Esplanade early this month and they were led by original member Kiang. I missed that one but a friend sent an youtube version of them jamming at a guitar shop playing the lovely number "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. Wow!! Old is gold! I really wish you were here with me to relive the good times as we connect.

Lee Westwood

English man Lee Westwood maybe the opposite of (Clint) Eastwood in name but he snatched a "Fistful of Dollars" in a cool US$2.75 million victory with a stunning display in the Dubai World Championship which now made him the world's no. 4 player. This came shortly after his triumph in the 2009 Portugal Masters in October since the 2007 British Masters which made him no. 5. Some described his iron play as "Hogan-like" (as in the legendary Ben Hogan) and ranked first for GIR (Greens In Regulation) with a superb 91.7% of 72 greens he took aim at. and this was 7% more than second ranked Adam Scott. In the final round, he hit every single fairway and every single green - amazing and awesome!! He basically outperformed the entire field for scrambling, sand saves, birdies and par breaking. He was 5th in putting average, 7th in driving accuracy and 8th for driving distance. Now, do you know what equipment he was using?

Find out:

Driver: Ping G10 (9 degrees) - Aldila Voodoo shaft

Fairway Woods: Ping i15 (15 degrees) and Ping Rapture (18 degrees)

Irons: Ping i10 (3-PW)

Wedges: Ping Tour (54/58 degrees)

Putter - Ping Redwood Anser (Milled)

Ball: Titleist Pro V 1 X

European Footballer of the Year

For a few years now, I have been telling everyone I knew that Lionel Messi is the best soccer player on Planet Earth since I first saw him play for Argentina and Barcelona. When he was young, Messi has defects in his growth hormones but he is blessed with sublime skills, a sleight of foot, a change in pace and direction, a turn and a dummy - he made them all seem so easy with the ball stuck to his feet especially the deadly left one. Always a delight for fans to watch and yes Messi doesn't dive. Once, I saw him being elbowed by a much bigger defender to his head and he fell and got up in just a while and carried on playing. He could have won last season's best player award but Cristiano Ronaldo had an exceptional season. Messi won the 2009 European Footballer of the Year with the biggest margin ever with 473 points out of 480. C. Ronaldo was second at a distant 233, Xavi Fernandez (170) was third, Andreas Iniesta was fourth and Samuel Etoo fifth.

Don't get me wrong, Ronaldo is exciting and talented but I must say that his trickery and skill sets are manufactured and he would reproduce them in showboating to the gallery and he has such petulance that he would quite often antagonize opponents. Messi's skills are instinctive. He never does the same things twice or keep repeating his moves. You cannot fathom a guess on him. He is mesmerising and yet respectful of his opponents. This time they got it right - Messi is the best! I certainly pray that he is protected in all ways - like injuries, waywardness, wrong advice and opponents who wants to maim him. Keep watching him, this boy will light up the soccer world! You are looking at the modern world's George Best skill-wise and for his genius too.

Susan Boyle

Susan Boyle is thrashing everyone on the charts. Simon Cowell like everyone judged her by how she looked when she stepped on stage in Britain's Got Talent. When she was singing like an angel from Heaven and as the camera rolled showing bewilderment among the judges and the audience and even bringing some tears to their eyes, Simon led a standing ovation and applause. When it was his turn to comment, he said in his English drawl: "Susan, when you came on this stage, I knew you have something special". Lol. The other judges stared at him in disbelief.

Well, this does show me that the world is still a beautiful place where despite her lack of a good looks, she is doing well at the charts. It is sort of a vindication that despite the lack of certain qualities, people will still love you for who you are. Before Susan Boyle was this guy called Paul Potts. He came on stage and the judges spoke to him. When he began to sing, I cried. The rest is history. I know that when some of you sing, I cried too but it is not the same. See you soon. Don't call me as I'll be busy shifting my golf clubs to a safe place. If you are a butcher, do you bring your butcher knife home? Hmmm.....better be good.New Moon

When I first heard New Moon, I was thinking of abalone. Of abalones creating terror on people. Maybe some mad scientists' botched attempt to create abalones that could talk with genetic modifications but it went awry and they started growing tentacles with studs like those on soccer boots that could kick asses. These movie-makers for all their creativity lack originality. Everyone jumps on the bandwagon on the gaming or movie platforms. One vampire after another. Zombies flooding in. Ladies seem to like them vampires and werewolves because they have supernatural powers. They really wanted to suck your blood but because they love you too much so they try not to.

They rather die for you by not sucking your blood. Oh, how great is that? In reality, there are blood suckers everywhere and you don't see them in vampire suits. Maybe you should just buy weapons upgrade and special vision goggles on a game card from me and then I will show you how to deal with them. Werewolves are a nasty lot too. Do you prefer vampires or werewolves?

I think vampires are a bit better. They get to sleep all day which is what I like and party at night. Werewolves have to go on all fours. I have a disdain for people running on all fours. I was told that there was once a vampire who went to a pub with Mr. Bean. When their orders were taken, both opted for a glass of hot water. When they were duly served the warm water, Mr. Bean took out a tea bag and dip it in the glass and was grinning as usual but when he turned to look at the vampire, he suddenly started laughing out loud. Why? He saw the vampire taking out an used sanitary pad. Hey, don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger. Cheers to a great weekend!