What Kind of Golfer Are You?

Damned if you do and damned if you don't. That's a terrible situation to be in. Tiger Woods' official apology was a no win situation but he had to do it nevertheless. Because it was open, it was vulnerable. I am sure there would be some quarters that may have found it a well-rehearsed performance created by his spin-doctors and was basically pure theatrics and just crap because he took no questions. I don't know if given a choice I wanted to be in Tiger's shoes or Mr. Akio Toyoda the chief of Toyota. Which one will come out of trouble first? Paul Simon & Art Garfunkel sang: "I rather be a sparrow than a snail. Yes, I would." Sometimes, when troubles come, they come in an avalanche. Like John Terry and Ashley Cole having their own mini World Cup. The springboks and gazelles in South Africa had better be able to run fast when the soccer players land there.

Somehow, to some folks Tiger may have looked like he was in some internet video of someone kidnapped and was about to be executed by terrorists. If the cameras were to rolled off right behind him, you might even spot some men in black balaclavas with big knives in chopping motion ready to supply some tiger skin to the merchants. Others will think that he was being vindictive as he has chosen a Friday to hold his press conference - the same day as the Accenture Matchplay Championship to take away some shine as Accenture was the first sponsor to have dropped him in his recent fiasco.

But those words, carefully crafted by wordsmith or not or just meant as an effort to re-engineer for his sponsors has to be observed. "I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled.

Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them. I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation, and kids all around the world who admired me." This words should serve to haunt and warn us all that our worlds could crumble too if we step over OB markers, personal or business. Look around us - Lehman Bros., AIA, GM, Chrysler, Toyota, Tiger and many more. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Better be watchful of ourselves.

In the meantime, we also learned that "he that is down needs fear no fall". John Daly, the huge burly guy who overswings and with one of the longest drive, drinks, smokes, swears, gambles and gone through divorces and on the verge of quitting has made a surprise comeback of all time first as an underwear model for "Slix". John for all his antics never pretended who he was not. Amazing things happen in life. He looked like a mean machine now, otherwise how to advertise undies?

They say you can tell a person's character by what he does at the golf course. Does he watch out for other people's shots, help look for lost balls, etc. So are golfers selfish individuals who play their own game as some interviewers may think. An interviewer could buy a book "How to interview for idiots" and an interviewee would be reading "How to be interviewed for idiots". So what we get are two idiots and the world has many. What is it like? One born every minute? Well, what kind of golfer are you? How do your regular mates describe or think of you and your game? Some folks think that in golf you can see the best from the good man and brings the worse from a bad man. Or vice versa.

The Conqueror/Intimidator

This is the type who is like Tiger. They like to conquer and intimidate. They will turn up early before everyone and practise at the range sometimes or at least practise his putting. They are very focus and do not speak much except for an occasional "good shot" and when they say that, it meant that the shot was really quite out of this world to even prompt them to open their mouth. Everyone is really happy when such a person makes a mess of a shot as it rarely happens. He stares at you like a cold-blooded killer when you are whispering a distance away when he is about to tee off even as a plane is roaring away above during take off.

The Psycho

This guy could play but he needs a neuro-surgeon to fix some wires in his brain. He could put his shot on with a flipping 3-iron which hardly anyone uses these days and complain that he left himself with a long putt. He could play a 5-iron with a fade around the trees onto the green and when you compliment him, he grumbles about his poor tee shot that should not in the first place have landed there. At times, you could hear his loud self-reprimand: "C'mon Sam, what is wrong with you today?"
The Accountant

His obsession is with numbers. He knows everybody's scores very well even 3 holes ago. He will add up every shot for every one. He could even tell you that at the previous hole, you had a 4 on and 2 putts. John had 5 with 3 putts. George was 4 into the bunker, 2 shots to get out and then with one putt. Simply amazing. He spends so much time gazing and working out the numbers that the rest do not have much to do except play golf and just ask him to tell you who's won and what's the payout. He's so busy and so good with numbers that he would turn up last when it comes to paying for the beers. Lastly, he keeps track of all records and remembers how many strokes you have taken from him or he has given you.

The Boring Golfer

Plays to a low handicap say 5-12, almost like a pro. Hardly ever miss a fairway from tee off, has a easy steady swing, never gets into trouble and if he does, never seem rattled and quickly recovers. His consistency can be so irritating it makes golf boring. Like playing Xbox or Playstation and setting game difficulty level as for novice.

The Terminator

This fellow thinks he's hot because he could score from 85 to 105. He would explode off the tee and some times he could have a brilliant score for a few successive holes but there is an equally strong chance that everybody will be helping him look for his ball in some deep rough and after awhile, the folks could be praying during his tee off that he could find his own ball in the fairways to spare them the agony. He will probably have an ultra-fast swing and a macho look and is always thinking that his crowning perfection is just around the corner in the next swing. He could see the smug on his face which suggest to you: "I'll be back".

The Confidence Trickster

This bloke has many tricks up his sleeves. Some could be intentional and some out of ignorance. They may put a coin as a ball-marker nearer the hole when you are not watching. Or he may improve a poor lie where his ball is resting especially from the rough. He may conveniently miscount his score such that the rest played brilliantly and each got a bogey and then he went OB, hit a tree, bungled from the bunker, killed a fish in the pond and yet returned with a bogey or "oh sorry, forgot to add the water penalty, it's a double bogey". With a sleight of hand, they could even play a wrong ball on purpose, like the nearest ball to the pin from the bunker when they were 2 or 3 balls there. He may drop a ball too when nobody's around. He's like Chris Angel making magic on the course. Balls disappears and reappears elsewhere.

The Joker

He can provide unrequested help such as reminding you constantly the there is OB to the right and water hazard on the left. He tells you what you could clearly see for yourself the three huge bunkers in front. He gives you countless commentaries, jokes, side punchlines and can talk you into an error putt. They are usually very good company for the day whether you are golfing or not and they could do it in such a way of good clean fun that you cannot accuse them of doing it on purpose as gamesmanship. They create lots of banter, fun and laughter because it comes naturally to them and yes, they just can't help themselves when they see a funny situation.

The Auto-Pilot

This smart Alec takes quite a few practice swings to attempt achieving perfection for each shot while the people behind grimaces. He has a thought as a pre-set routine that he could not defer from. Be it from tee, fairway, bunker, rough, green, he goes through the paces in his mind. He may think that he is Nick Faldo at his best and he may cause other groups to be frustrated with your group's slow play but he is such a nice person that you don't know how to tell him in a way you will not hurt his feelings and have no choice but to wait for the marshall to do his job to come around to tell your group to speed up then you acknowledge the marshall as if you are the one who is causing the trouble. You keep this emotion bottled up and let no one see your anguish until you are in the shower cubicle and as the water pours down like an Amazon Rainforest, you let your tears flow uncontrollably.

The Unlicensed Guru

He teaches everything to everyone while you are playing. Even though some of his teachings are questionable, you didn't have the heart to tell him. In fact, you were not doing too badly until he starts to correct you on the grip, stance, set-up, swing, etc. He would continue until he turns you into a nervous wreck on the golf course where wielding a club becomes a complete phobia. Even when you go to the washroom during the cross-over break for the second nine, you start thinking about your grip so much so that you dribble urine onto your new golf shoes as you ponder over whether to use a strong or neutral grip at the urinal. At the end of 18 holes, he completely destroys your game, your confidence gets shattered and yet he felt that he has done you a world of good and hope that he could meet you again soon to further improve your game under his unsolicited tutelage.

The Showman

Looks like a million bucks and truly looks like a consummate pro. Has a bag that always looks new and the latest high tech gadgetry. Colourful and loud in his attire. Even his umbrella is special. The shoes and cap all adds up to the pom and pageantry. Just by looking at him, you shudder and think that he is going to take all of you to the cleaners until he steps on the tee box and hit his first shot then you feel your first sign of relief. Well, he can surely jump off straight onto a catwalk. But the golf course may not be par for him. C'mon, at least he looks the part.

I am sure you have come across all kinds of golfers and all the world's a fruitcake as it would not be complete without some nuts in it. Let me know of other unique ones to add on. Maybe you can find some of us described here and if I have intentionally offended you, don't get mad, get even. Settle it on the course like in a good old fashion Western.

Laughter - The Best Medicine

You are obsessed with golf when you name your children Arnold (Palmer), Jack (Nicklaus) and Gary (Player) and that was just for the girls.

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. - legendary Sam Snead.

An American went to Scotland and played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one. He then asked the Scottish, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?" "We call it 3."

The golf swing is like sex, you can't be thinking of the mechanics of the act when you are performing.

Cheers!